finding happiness

bismillah

Initially I decided to publish this for my personal blog but sometimes I was hoping I can tell this to someone. To be truth, I'm the type of person who would be easily hide their emotion. Continue to smile or maybe I would be sad for a while and then I continue to cheer myself back and act normal.

Do you that feeling of not having anyone to share your problem with. Even though if I have problem, I tend to keep it to myself, locked it deep inside and cried alone upon remembering it. I won't cried in public, just in the shower or stuff my face under pillow and cry my heart out. I'm not that good in expressing my emotion or telling my problem and even when I have an intention of doing so, I have to cancel it back.

You might wonder why I didn't share it with my family? To be honest, I feel like I'm a stranger in this house. We don't communicate much and everybody tend to do their own things. My parents didn't have made any efforts to bring us together. Yes, we have that bonding time session but it is usually a family dinner and that's it. We don't really have a heart-to-heart session. I'm envy when my friends can share their problem with their mom and dad. But whenever I want to share my problem with them, they always neglect my presence and at the end of it I'll get scolded or shooed away. I always dreamed of having this mom and daughter conversation, where I get to laid on her thighs while she run her fingers through my fingers. Well that never happened to me. My mum is a cold person and somehow it affects me.

I also have trust issues. I don't really share my problems with others even with my own best friends. Maybe I'm not ready to show them the weak side of me or just maybe I don't want people to know that I'm problematic person. Sometimes I'm depressed due to all this problems and to worsen the situation, I tend to over think and blame myself. This negative side of me I never tell to anyone except for you dear readers.

But sometimes I do share my problems. To whom? To this one guy that I knew here in UPM. But considering the fact that he is a guy and there are some restriction of interaction between the opposite gender in Islam. So I slowly I stop leaning to him. Plus, why I should bother him with my problems when he also have his own problem. So I decided to be my old self.

Even, when I'm at home, I tend to lock myself away. Just because I hate the environment so much. I've been thinking of telling the unsatisfied feelings of being a part of this family but even I have chance to do so I don't have the strength. Because my parents sometimes won't allowed me to speak out my opinion. They tend to snapped me when I was talking. Thus, I choose to just remained silence.

There is a few things I really want to talk to my parents. My parents weren't very religious but I still love them. My father wasn't an office worker so he doesn't have a fixed working schedule. He didn't really take care of what's happening in the house and I feel sorry to my mum as she was burdened with the responsibilities of taking of the house chores,  educating the children, drive back and forth from the house to school where she teaches. My brother also didn't help her much. Even though he working as a nurse, because he is working according to the shift, he get some free time. But during his free time, he never really bother to take care of the house. He'll be lying on the bed whole day, playing video games. I hate of telling him what to do as I'm afraid he'll hate me. But I wished he would be more diligent in keeping the house clean. One of the reasons sometimes I hate to come home is due because later I have to spend my time tidying the house when I supposed to study for my exam for the next day. My sister is quite lazy. She didn't know how to fold the clothes properly or to cook. Maybe because she is used to people do that for her so she didn't know how to do it.

There are few things that I regretted and I would like to blame my parents for that. First, I didn't enter a Chinese school when I was a kid. Second, I didn't have a very strong foundation in Islam. I still struggling to improve my prayer, my Quran recitation and I really really envy the family that embrace the Islam as the part of family development. Third, I didn't have a funding. I didn't have savings and I have to starve in order to keep my pocket money. Yes money can't buy health but when I'm in emergency situation when can I get the money? I don't like the idea of asking my parents money to buy my personal stuff so I have to collect my own money for me to buy something. Four, I didn't have martial arts skills. Both my brother and sister get to attend taekwando and silat classes. I remember that moment when my brother entered a taekwando class and I begged my parents to register me too. Sadly, my request was ignored and after a few months attending the classes, he decided to quit and I was so pissed off because I knew if I get to join it I can excel in it.

There also times when I felt that the treatment received by each siblings are different. I always known by my parents with all the bad characteristic. I was ignorant, egoistic, rude, rebellious. Sometimes, I do that just because I want their attention. I wish they will advice me in a loving way but eventually I'll get scolded. Those unsatisfied feelings I'll just keep tightly in my heart but sometimes, I couldn't stop it from bursting out.

I don't know what I'm writing about. I really wished I can face my parents and tell them all this but no. Thus I decided to write it out as Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.
Those who are lucky enough to read this post, I hope you'll keep this as a secret. There are lot things I wanted to say. But here is the conclusion, I may seen as the happiest person in the world, always have this positive vibe and seems to have lot of friends but actually I'm don't have confidence in myself and I always in my own private world and it is really lonely in here. I really consider blogging as a form therapy and I'm really glad that I'm able to open up and to tell you guys what that I've been keeping inside for years.

Plus, I really loved my parents for what they are and I hope you didn't have a wrong view on them. I will post this without editing it first or without thinking twice and I'm ready to face whatever consequences of posting upon the publishing of this entry as I knew, no one will read it anyway.