Introvert

Bismillah.

Introvert [intrəˌvərt] : a shy, reticent person.

I have to admit that I loved being alone, beside being socially awkward.  I don't really think have best friends forever (Sorry, if I have offended anyone) and I envy those who have that friends till jannah clique. Irony isn't it.

I don't know how to express my gratitude and thankfulness to those who admitted they're my friends. (or best friends/sahabat/teman). Well, due to my background it does affects how I treat my relationship with others. 

I love meeting new people and making friends but to sustain the relationships, it is major problem for me. I don't know how to start the conversation and I don't favor to be trapped in any awkward conversations or situations. 

One more thing is that I have trust issues. I don't share my personal problems especially related to my emotions and family to my friends. Plus, if I do so, it shows off my flaws and I have the tendency to stay strong and tough so I can inspired others. Ni namanya memang menyeksa diri sendiri tapi entahlah, there is some piece of me who wants me to sometimes be weak and dependent with others but mostly, I managed to slipped away from that. I also believed that others are busy solving their own problems so why should I burdened them with my problems. 

I'm not being ignorant or selfish or acah-acah dalam golongan aristokrat-elit-kerabat diraja something tapi this is the real me. I do value relationship and my friendship tapi I just don't say so. 
I also have this skeptical view that sometimes people lived better off without me. I don't know is this just my own feeling or imagination but it does annoyed me sometimes.  I'm not the type of person who will say hi first and will disappear after 2 minutes of conversation. 

To those who  find me when they are in turbulence or troubled, don't worry I still accept you with my arms open wide. I'm willing to lend my ears to listen to your problem, lend my bony shoulders for you to cry, spill out some motivations and advises from my mouth, held out my hands to pat your shoulder and cuddle you and walk my legs to you.

and I hope you can do the same from me too.

I hope I can find my true friend, even if it is only one person in this whole world who can constantly remind me of my relationship with God and His creations, who have this telepathic abilities asking me if I'm ok even without me saying so and can break my inner wall of distrust. 

Well, it's too much to be asked from a person, don't you think so.

For those, who had been by my side since the day I was born until now, thank you for all the colorful memories that you have painted on my life canvas. When I'm all alone, sometimes it is good moment to walk down the memory lane and I smiled each time I remembered all the good old memories that we built together. 

and I wished that slowly I can escaped from this introvert cocoon and be more confident and trust people more. Maybe the problem is not with those who around me but the truth is it is all due to me.